Listen: My name is Valiant Thor, and I am funky; you dig?
Now maybe you've read that women are from Venus and men are from Mars, but let me set you straight: I am from Venus and I am all man. I've never met a man from Mars worth a good goddamn.
Kids, I swung by this crazy rock you call Earth back in 1957 to talk to Ike and Tricky Dick Nixon about how I could lend a hand and help you kids out. They put me up in a swinging pad near the pentagon, with a couple of lady-friends, and I proceeded to paint that town red!
I palled around with Bobby Darin, Dean Martin, Sinatra and Nat King Cole. We had us a big orgy one night back then, with Billie Holiday, both the Kennedy brothers were there, Marilyn Monroe, Bob Hope and Bing Crosby, Ava Gardner, John Wayne, Eartha Kitt, Abbott & Costelo, Doris Day, Elizabeth Taylor and a bunch of them little grey aliens. Them fellas ain't no taller than Sammy Davis. You really only wanna use them guys for bringing in towels and vodka tonics. Wild swinging times, I'll tell you for sure. You have to remember this was 1958 or 59 and Elvis Presley was stationed in Germany with the US military. Elvis was released from the army in March of 1960 and in that very same March of 1960, I hopped on board my spaceship and blasted off back to Venus. Me and Elvis have some history, but I don't wanna get into it.
Listen kids, lemme set the record straight about a few things. This Frank Stranges or Strange or whatever, this guy wrote a book about me. He was an ok guy, we hung out a little, but he was a real Jesus freak, you know? Ended up putting a bunch of Jesus stuff in the book. Listen, I am from Venus. There's been no crucifixions on Venus, so Jesus Schmesus, you kids need to look up to someone, look no further than Valiant Thor. Also, this guy Phil Schnieder says we met and that is true. Lemme tell you about this guy Phil. This guy will whip out his knarled and mangled cock at the smallest provocation. This thing is in bad shape. Split in two down the middle, balls all crispy-crittered. That fucking guy!
But look at me now, back on Earth with the spaceship parked out near Las Vegas, typing up an entry on myself on the internet! You know who is playing Vegas right now? Celine Dion. Yeah. See kids, I have a damn near 500 year lifespan. So while Sinatra and Dino and Elvis and all those cats are gone, I'm still here. I left the ship near Lake Mead and right about now I'm in a little dark saloon, it's quarter to 3am and I'm having another Scotch, neat. There's a cute Nordic chick checking ol' Val Thor out, so kids I need to blast on off outta here. But just know--Valiant Thor is around! And whenever you need me, just say the words Valiant Thor out loud 3 times, then spin around once and look into a mirror; then slap on a little make-up and fly to Venus and find me.
Because I live on Venus.
My name is Valiant Thor and I am funky
My name is Valiant Thor, I have a monkey
Valiant Thor OUT.