EPISODE 151 "THE SECRET LIFE OF PLANTS" Edit
BOOK TWO: PLANTS AIN’T NO NICE GUYS EITHER Edit
Brian opened the door to leave, but paused when he heard a quiet voice from behind him. “...feed me”
“What the fuck?? Is someone in this bathroom with me?”
Brian turns around to realize that this wasn't a bathroom at all and he had just shit in the pot of an enormous, 15 foot tall plant with what seemed to be a gigantic toothy smile. “Feed me, Frange!”
The plant began to sing a song about giving Brian all the t-shirt money and bumble bitches he could dream of, but Brian quickly interrupted -- “yeah, okay. Sure. What do you want? Bodies or something?”
The plant seemed taken back. “Uhh…. Ye-yes… A fresh human body will help me grow up big and stro--”
“Great.” Brian said, “Wait here and I’ll be back in an hour.” The plant started to respond, “It must be fresh--” but Brian had already slammed the door behind him, on his way to complete his mission.
Less than an hour later, Brian returned with the lifeless body of a once beloved co-host of the Unbelievable Podcast. Eager to receive the treasures promised to him, he started cramming the body head first into the plant’s mouth. “Wait!” the plant said, “You have to cut it into pieces first!”
Brian snapped at the plant, “There isn’t time for that. Another one of my friends is getting married tomorrow so I need Bumble babies and freshly laundered t-shirt money to show off to everyone or else they might not think I’m Hollywood!”
“But I can’t get a full body in my mouth, it’s too big!”
“That’s what she said. Now open wide, here it comes!” The plant began to reply, but Brian thrust the co-host into it’s mouth with absolute force. Choking, the plant let out a muffled plea, “Too. Fast. Can’t. Chew.” Brian’s lustful greed made him deaf to the plant’s cries for mercy. *Cough!* *Choke!* “Muuuuuuuuh” *gaasssssp…* The plant’s flailing branches gave a final spasm before it fell limp to the floor, the unconsumed legs of the former co-host hanging from it’s mouth like a rat from a snake mid-consumption.
Brian looks around him in a daze. He feels as if he just woke up, but he finds himself walking the familiar landscape of W 29th St. “What the hell am I doing here? This isn’t Hollywood!” Panicking as the unsettling realization that he has no memory of arriving in New York rolls over him, he reaches into the pocket of his really cool Miami Dolphin’s windbreaker. “I need something to calm me down….” He pulls out a container of pills and pops one into his mouth. “These pills that Dr. Kissinger gave me always seem to do the trick.” As he swallows the medication a section of small print on the label catches his eye for the first time --
Primary Ingredient: Scopolamine