Phil Schneider, a former US Government Geologist and Engineer, tells a story of DUMBs (Deep Underground Military Bases) and the effects of being crispy crittered.

His story starts with working on an underground military base in Dulce, New Mexico. Schneider and the engineers who were extending an underground military base broke through a cavern. This cavern was filled with Alien Greys who had been living underground for 20,000 years. These Alien Greys attacked and horribly scared Phil's dick.


Exploits Edit

In addition to being one of three survivors of the now infamous 1979 'Alien/Human War at Dulce, New Mexico and Los Alamos Underground Bases', Schneider also:

- Shot and killed a Federal Agent

- Killed two Alien Greys with his Walter PPK pistol

- Was formerly married to Cynthia Drayer, an exceptional markswoman and deliverer of improvisational Jason Borne-style monologues.

- Had a daughter who was almost abducted once

- Proudly displayed his plastic sternum

- Suffered from an extensive list of diseases, inflictions, and debilitating conditions that would have buried lesser money-hungry-cunts like Phoebe Tyers or Brian Frange[1].


Death Edit

Phil Schneider was found dead in his Willsonville, Oregon, apartment on January 17th, 1996. He had a stroke -- no wait -- he committed suicide by strangling himself with his pee-filled catheter hose. Blood was reported to be spilling out of his mouth -- wait -- no, the blood wasn't coming out of his mouth -- on second thought, yes, the blood was definitely coming out of Phil's mouth -- are you sure? -- sure I'm sure, I'm one of those CIA aliens who moved in next door to Phil a week before he died then disappeared without a trace.

Over the course of his freedom-living career, Phil eventually ended up either wanting or needing a wheelchair. Incidentally, this same wheelchair was somehow implicated in Schneider's murd--suicide. Suicide. His suicide. Phil Schneider's suicide. Pee-bag hose. Alien Greys. DUMBs. They are mortal and they can be killed.


Famous Quotations Edit

"You need to pick up your mouth"

"You need to pick up your brain -- and read a book"

"The aliens smell worse than the worst garbage can"

"My dick has a little car to drive around in"

"[The Grey Alien energy beam] Crispy Crittered my left foot"


Phil Schneider's Dick Edit

After liberating itself from Phil's corpse in 1996, Phil's dick has earned the reputation of being "humanities only hope in the ongoing battle with the grays[2]". Schneider's Dick has been observed traversing the United States in various tiny cars, fucking hordes of women, and avenging it's fallen comrade via Mystical Dick Powers against the Alien Greys.

Phil Schneider's Dick fought alongside Phil Schneider during the 'Alien/Human War at Dulce, New Mexico and Los Alamos Underground Bases' and is recognized as being one of three known survivors of the conflict.


Images Edit


Corpse of an Alien Grey who done fucked up and shot his beam at Phil Schneider.

Phil Schneider 1(1)

DUMB fan-art of Phil Schneider's DUMB battle with DUMB Grey Aliens.


  1. Just fucking around - I genuinely love this podcast and what the two of you are doing.
  2. [1]Phil Schneider's Dick - Unbelievable Wikia - ROregano322

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