To all listeners of the Unbelievable podcast and readers of the Unbelievable Wikia, hereafter referred to as unbelievers, we hereby officially and categorically deny the existence and speculative veracity of mermaids or other aquatic humanoids. Any reference to undersea creatures of this type has been completely fabricated and intended as a fiction for entertainment purposes only. We understand that any statement to the contrary of mermaids not existing place potential mermaid creatures in danger - which as we already mentioned do not exist, but if they did - mentioning them would be tantamount to murder for the hunt that may ensue on these creatures... which many of the NOAA may or may not be in implicit sexual relationships with. These relationships, which we just want to mention are not happening in real life, would be put in serious jeopardy if the search for mermaids continued. In conclusion, mermaids are not real and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is better than the National Weather Service and... they should please give back mermaid Janine. She belongs to Carl. If mermaid Janine was real, which she is not, please give her back. Carl is lonely. Carl wants Janine.'
The author of this post was neither held in solitary confinement by the NOAA nor forced to eat only lentils for two months in the aforementioned re-education camp beneath the Denver International Airport.