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“Dr.” Jonathan Reed A.K.A “The Reed”  was an expert child psychologist relegated to obscurity on the night shift until that fateful day in October  1996 when his dog picked a fight with an alien in the woods.  Reed and his golden retriever Susie came across a child-sized alien with engaged Reed’s dog in mortal Kom…conflict. The alien, depending on the version of the story The Reed feels like presenting, either tore Reed’s dog in half or incinerated it into ashes. The Reed leapt into action as he is wont to do, knocking the alien out with a branch, after which he rolled the alien up in a blanket like a burrito or a massive doobie, similar to the one he smoked before concocting his ludicrous story. He also shat his pants…a lot.

Reed locked the alien in his freezer, perhaps expecting to make some rather “gamey” sausage to unload at a discount rate on some unsuspecting Arby’s. Reed named the alien “Freddie, after his friend Gary’s extraterrestrial boss. Reed attempted to communicate with Freddie in a recording, but Gary was too busy duct taping some leaky pipes in the garage, leaving Freddie’s quite responses to Reed’s questions nearly indiscernible. Shortly thereafter, the government, or perhaps the bookies to whom The Reed owed so much for betting against the Harlem Globetrotters, ransacked his home, leaving Reed to live a life on the run for the government, with the exception of heavily publicized UFO conferences for which Reed is announced well in advance(“They’ll” never look for him there).

The Reed’s ability to resist the clutches of the MIB is possibly related to hitherto unknown properties of his sweet ‘stache. The Reed can also be spotted at Golden Corral where he will be wearing his trademark white sportcoat.

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