EPISODE 145 "MEL'S HOLE AND OTHER GAPING PITS" Edit
STORY: ABOUT THE HOLE Edit
Mel Waters walked nervously down a narrow path on his large, isolated rural property in Washington State. Night was beginning to fall and Mel didn’t like to be away from his trailer after dark. It made him nervous, but he had felt an irresistible pull tonight. He was heading toward The Hole.
It was a well-worn dirt path, but still ominous and dark, with tall trees and thick green bushes and brambles on either side rising up steep hills. Mel had made this trek many times, carrying dead cows or garbage—in a wheelbarrow, of course; Mel cannot pick up a cow.
The Hole had been on the property for as long as anyone could remember and its depth seemed infinite.
“Aaa-HaaHaa-HAAA” “three callers in a row! Nobody gives a shit about Mel’s Hole!”
Mel froze dead in his tracks. He had just reached the retaining wall in the clearing around The Hole when he heard the strange mocking voices. He listened intently.
“uh yeah, about that hole..Yessir. ….I saw a hole story on tv…..with horses….throw a cat down the hole,” “What the fuck?!”
Mel broke out in a cold clammy sweat. Were there people in The Hole? He heard the names: Sebastian, Phoebe, Art Bell, Brian? Were they…. laughing at him? As Mel listened to the disembodied voices, they claimed he would call a radio show; pick up a sheep; the gov’t would seize his property and hole; he would lose his teeth and homemade belt buckle and raise wombats in Australia. And 2 jerks and a girl with a sexy voice would make fun of him on something called a “podcast” in the year 2016--20 years in the future!
Overcome with despair, Mel lept into his gaping Hole, falling into the inky blackness, deeper and deeper, the voices growing louder and louder. Mel saw a light, but it was just some ice on fire, and then, falling further and further he spotted a sheep. And while Mel is no sheep guy, he can and did pick up that sheep, clutching it to him tightly as they continued to drop. Abruptly, they were no longer falling but were in an apartment in New York City in January of 2016. A beautiful woman was saying “there are some holes that the unbelievers would be interested in, but---“, she stopped, noticing Mel Waters and a dead sheep with a tumor on the floor of the apartment. Brian and Sebastian screamed when they realized what Phoebe was looking at. They immediately fled the apartment, Sebastian pushing Phoebe and Brian to the ground yelling “It’s a fucking Djinn! A DJINN!!!”-- leaving them scrambling after him out the door.
“They didn’t get to everybody’s 3rd favorite segment: poll results,” said Bryan Fringes, the seal-like creature that emerged from the dead sheep’s tumor.
“Fuck this” said Mel Waters as he bludgeoned Fringes to death with a large sex toy found in the apartment. “Fuck This!”