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Randycramer

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Also known as Randy Cramer, Captain Kaye was a super soldier who fought aliens on Mars as part of the Earth Defense Force

Early Life Edit

As a young child, Captain Kaye would experience strange dreams that would leave him with cuts, bruises, and even a couple of hematomas.

On one of those nights, Kaye would have another strange dream where he heard a noise in his home and found a small 4 foot tall cloaked alien resembling a Jawa was making a sandwich in his kitchen. Wondering why

Jawaa-B

No lettuce? Give me your balls

a Jawa was raiding his fridge, Kaye confronted the alien and removed its hood, revealing that that the alien had a wide and boxy shaped head with wrinkles all across its head and was orange-ish brown-ish. The alien would then lunge at Kaye, and lifted him up by the throat and scrotum. Before it could get any kinkier, Kaye woke up from the dream. Some time after the dream, Kaye would conclude that the dream really happened. His bruised nutsack was probably a good sign of evidence.

Kaye’s dream would soon turn out to be a test run by the government to observe his abilities. I guess that getting your crotch grabbed by an alien was a good thing because Kaye was placed into Project Mannequin, where he and other children would be trained to become advanced soldiers. Aside from his training, Kaye would also go through several medical experiments where he gained super speed and strength.

The Job Edit

3-Earth-Defense-Force-Logo

When Kaye turned 17, he signed a contract to serve for 20 years as a marine for the Earth Defense Force, a multinational organization run by the United States, Germany, China, and Russia, where he would be sub-contracted to one of Earth’s bases in the Solar System. When his contract was up, Kaye would be sent back in time as his 17 year old self. It’s worth noting that Kaye’s lost this contract, which sucks because if he had it, everyone would totally believe him.

He would then be sent to serve on Mars in the Mars Defense Force and part of the Special Tactical Operations division 098. Kaye’s main objective was to protect the Mars Colony Corporation as it mined for minerals.

Life on Mars? Edit

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While on Mars, Kaye learned from a biological E.T. manual that there more than 50 species of extraterrestrials inhabiting the planet. The manual color coded the aliens based on how dangerous they were, with green being friendly, and red being dangerous. Here are some of the danger levels for the E.T.’s on Mars:

Green

  • Veagans
  • Tau Cetians
  • Betelgeusians
  • Centauri of Alpha Centauri: According to Elizabeth Klarer, they just want roots and pussy

Red

  • The queen in reptilian form by zucchinii

    I bet that old bitch knows all about this shit

    Alpha Draconians: According to Kaye, they are conniving and often pit the different species against eachother. They are responsible for the Grand Accident, where they ambushed the Mars Defense Force and nearly wiped it out
  • Zeta Reticulan Greys: In the secret government, they’re actually called “whites”
  • Non-corporeal amorphous aliens: They can change shape and aren’t always solid. How fucked up is that?

There are also two native species of Mars whose danger levels were not specified:

  • An insectoid race that is very evolved and isolationist. They hives that Kaye would occasionally raid where they would stomp on their eggs
  • Gah Lukans: The Gah Lukans are reptoids who are the descendants of an ancient martian race that destroyed its civilization. This catastrophic event caused some Gah Lukans to leave Mars for Earth, where they have become mid-level members of the Illuminati

Zombieland Edit

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According to Captain Kaye, the zombie virus is real and the movie Zombieland is a very accurate portrayal of the virus. Kaye even says that there is a manual that is actually titled “Zombieland” with rules for surviving a zombie apocalypse that is very similar to the manual in the movie. So does the real manual actually tell you to beware of bathrooms and avoid strip clubs?

After Mars Edit

When Kaye's service was over, he was sent back to Earth at the time when he was 17 and his memories of his adventures on Mars were suppressed. One specific requirement implemented into Kaye's mind was that he shouldn't join the military. But he did anyway, and because he joined the navy, a fake priest drugged him with a roofied bottle of snapple and was taken to the Moon, where his body was completely rebuilt to fix the problem. He was

Tdy dg fresco 120826.vmodv4

You gotta quit the navy bro

also paraded around to government officials to show off how much of a super soldier he was and was even put into gladiator fights. When Kaye was back on Earth, he had a vision where Jesus told him to leave the navy. Although Kaye believed that the vision was planted in his mind, he faked suicidal thoughts to get out of the navy.

In The End Edit

Randy has virtually no evidence of his story and is searching for something to prove that his story is real. But obviously he won't because he's obviously either a liar or a mentally ill person who believes he fought aliens on Mars.

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