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Episode 147: B.o.B. vs. Neil DeGrasse Tyson

B.o.B was Right!                Edit

“Our listeners will have to unlearn everything they’ve unlearned,” Phoebe said to Brian. They were both staring out of the spacecraft’s porthole. Was that the right word for it? Phoebe wasn’t sure. It was a hole of some sort, anyway. “So B.o.B. was telling the truth.”

“And that guy who helped demote poor Pluto was wrong,” Brian said.

“What would Neil have anything to do with Mickey’s dog?” Phoebe laughed. “I’m kidding.”

“That’s not funny-.” Brian stopped speaking when a particularly unattractive alien came in.

“Hi.” The alien waved one of his arms. “My name is Uriguini. Thank you for signing up for this trip through our website – So You’d Like to Be Abducted by Aliens Dot Com. I’m here to make your abduction experience memorable before we erase your memory and send you back to just before this happened.”

“Fuck,” Brian said. “What’s the point of that, asshole?”

“Brian, be polite,” Phoebe said. Brian swore too much. It’s not that she never used the f word, but it shouldn’t be used when meeting a new species. “Hi, Mr. Alien. Sorry about my friend here.”

“At least you always have good manners,” Uriguini said. “Let’s get started. Any questions?”

“Yeah,” Brian said. “I thought the Earth was round.”

“That’s not a question.” Uriguini snorted through all of his noses. He was allergic to plants, so it was a little messy.

“Fuck you,” Brian said.

“Still not a question.” All of Uriguini’s faces smirked. “Okay, fine. That is your Earth and it is flat. The spherical shape is an illusion so you won’t fall off.”

“What about satellites, the moon, the curvature of the earth?” Brian asked.

“What about them?” Uriguini asked.

“And it looks like the sun is going around the Earth,” Brian said.

“It is,” Uriguini said.

“But this means everyone is wrong!” Brian protested.

“Right, wrong, it doesn’t affect your day to day life,” Uriguini said.

“Why’d you have to bring me up here to show me this?” Brian asked. “I liked thinking of the Earth as round.”

“Don’t worry,” Uriguini said. “After we remove your brains you won’t remember anything.”

“Geez, Brian.” Phoebe yelled, smacking his arm real hard. What a dick, dragging her along on this death spaceship.

“I thought it was a joke. What kind of website promises you an alien abduction experience for real?”

“What kind of asshole responds to it?” Phoebe asked.

Uriguini laughed. “We’re not going to remove anyone’s brains. Do I look like a zombie?”

Phoebe decided not to answer that because she was certain zombies were better looking than this guy.

“Even if we do remember this, I don’t know if I’ll tell any of our listeners about it.”

“Yeah,” Phoebe said. “Imagine describing a ride on a UFO with an alien who’s name sounds like a pasta noodle. No-one would take us seriously.”

“Truth is stranger than science,” Uriguini said.

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