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"You have new mail waiting" is a phrase robotically belched from the cum-laden lips of a heretofore undocumented horsewoman of the apocalypse. The phrase was chosen by Brian Frange as a segue into a segment of listener mail that resonates among various degrees on the positive side of brilliant, typically partitioning the "new mail" sound bite and the reading of the inevitably genius mail with a primal and/or guttural expression of disgust.

Though the distain for this audio clip is universal in scope, it is still in use due to Brian's unshakable adherence to his own arbitrary rule that segment signifiers cannot be changed once chosen. This maxim was revealed during that episode where Phoebe Tyers tried to take a piss on the righteous trumpets that herald the "5 star reviews" segment. While Brian was completely justified in shutting her down in that instance, the precedent thusly established effectively places such revered concepts as "evolution", "progress", and "The Scientific Method" squarely face-up under Brian's pale and likely chapped ass as he takes a swing at a grey's head in the middle of the woods with a big stick after witnessing his dog getting ripped apart by a micro singularity. The myopic faith with which Brian clings to this tenant, which would be considered criminally abusive if not for its own vague self-substantiating acceptance, has earned him the title of "The Federal Reserve of Sound Bites" within certain circles of Unbelievers.

What's worse is that all too often Brian places this clip, whose acrid taste can only be cleaned from the palette by consuming images of aborted fetuses while listening to Roseanne's rendition of the national anthem, not only at the beginning of the segment, but bookending it at the end, effectively taking the most divinely inspired pastrami sandwich and breading it with Space Pancakes (Grease Cakes).

How this travesty was not foretold by a Mothman sighting is still under investigation.

While many a listener will revel in the audio clip's ability to inspire a semen-themed comment from Phoebe, her approval of the bite could not be granted with even the help of Brian's Birth Genie.

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